wtf

wat's the use of forcing myself not to sleep, breaking in cold sweat, keeping my sanity alive, thinking so hard, giving my best, finally finishing the work at 6am, take 2 hours of sleep, rush down, only to find that what i do is NOT NEEDED IN THE END WITHOUT TELLING ME AND I HAD TO REALISE THAT ON MY OWN AND ALL I GOT WAS A 'HI I FORGOT..' SMS WITH NOT A WORD OF SORRY ALTHOUGH I'D POLITELY SAID I'VE WORKED UNTIL 6AM (FOR THIS SHIT!)

note that the above work I'M NOT PAID FOR - i was asked to do, as a volunteer. My mom was compassionate enough, saying that the leader's old already so let him be

it's not the issue of whether old or not, i've been working with him for so long, i know his one-sidedness, stubborness, passiveness..

i spoke to someone else about the issue...n really, to me, is the last straw, for i forsee a new progress for this group which i am not really that willing to be further tied down anymore

i just wanna do what i wanna - spend time with my besties, friends, family..n myself

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kyaa!!!

yaay!!! it's been a long time since i msned Kai n we conversed for a long time (kept him up, paiseh), really fun, so many random-turned-themed conversations..really fun..got new homework..learn some mech songs WHICH I'M HAPPY TO!!!! a mech duet...(nervous n excited thinking about it..i guess cos now's 2am plus so my senses heightened)

aaargh..so looking forward to learning more PoT songs too..thanks to Kai..i'm feeling the 'burn' to CS..AND THE 4 MINUTE MUMBLING!!!

but one thing i forgot to tell him...(i hereby welcome myself to the short-term memory club) that i hope to learn some mech songs to sings the kids' part especially the "DASH! DASH! dan dan dan dan! (i think some r going 'what the...')" XD!!!!"

anyway, back to "work" it's hard to...cos.."i wan to..i plan to.." i remember what had been said, all in my head, i remember the wide-eyed enthusiasm, ending up in not-needed-at-all righteous statements and justifications as to why they do it, the bitterness that's usually included..i'm just..too tired..

as i told Lay Peng n Kai n here i'll expand from what i told them: anime is the main thing i wanna talk n live about for now. And i'm glad i met them cos they are the ones who know what type of anime/manga i like and i can have 2-way communication about it with them

seriously i wonder how to balance this: i swing from being a kid to what people expect of me as an adult. i'm not natural, really, with lotsa people. i wish i am. so i work at it - cos there are too many fakes in this world

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i vill sae zis onli vonce

Merry Christmas

it's been a long draining season, having to see someone close to you on the verge of life and death. i think i've been selfish, hoping that she'll live. But seeing her at the hospital a few days ago, i changed my mind. Today i made up my mind to say, "She'd suffered too much, it's better she go." - i've given up asking, cos i'm not the one to decide whether she should live or die. Call me selfish cos she's go young kids of her own. But really, only a miracle on her will let her live. But say there is one, say she'll live - but how? she's in a veggie-like state..and how long will she live? These questions still run in my mind everyday.

not only that, days ago i received another news of another family member. As if one is not enough.

it has come to a point that i'm slowly not going to borther. Aibo's sentence works for this case, something like, "Don't let what people do affect your life." i'm thankful that Lay Peng keeps me company online, and smses me cheering me up - and that she's blogged so much that i haven't..it's Christmas anyway, so..at least i should blog a bit.

on the nicer note, i've been to a reunion party, and i told myself to enjoy myself there despite heartache seeing my ex. i still say this - he's the best bf i've ever had, true i've problems letting go. but thinking and seeing how things have gone by on his side: i'd realised, yeah, it's his side of the turf and i'm not in it anymore. Let him settle his own matters, let his own family settle their own problems - i'm gone. Really gone. And i'm slowly getting closer to totally letting go. People may see me as naive or weak, but my new circle of friends have seen this weak side of me too, so -shrug- yeah. On the whole, it's nice to see old friends again.

Then came another party. Which i learnt so much only after the party. i had decided to keep a distance from someone since that person doesn't like me. In a way i'm like her which she doesn't like in herself - i'll leave that to her to figure that out on her own while i stand for the truth and keep my feet on the ground when things get out of hand. ..i didn't get much thanks for what i've done for the group which i still wonder if i'm of any use there: the choir members weren't looking at me conducting, they were looking at their scores XD but, really i think i wanna take a break. the demand for me is too great, i just dun wish to commit. Still thinking about it.

Christmas Day. Was good, seeing my relatives dropping by n looking at my mom's Christmas decoration (they didn't see the decoration on the kitchen walls?! XD) and we played card games...which part of you-still-need-brains-for-Uno i didn't get?!!! XD no matter what it was fun, we just played like kids yet still young adults we are XD

hmm..i'm supposed to get to 'work' but really i wish i could go OUT NOW

lazy me

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tired

i duno if chaos can become order

if someone indulges in chaos, claiming that they are bringing order, and tries to get others involve in their state of chaos when they are already chaotic themselves, trying emotional blackmail, condemning others of what they do as the plan is to get others invovled in the chaos still insisting it brings order

i'm not participating in it

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DAKARA!!! IT'S JUST STEAMBOAT, STEAMBOOOAT!!!!

the weirdest Gintama ep i've watched seen its beginning. Suddenly every character's drawn into Death Note style, all they wanted was the beef in the steamboat. (Someone please correct this) Beef is expensive in Japan, so it's eaten in special occasions (thank you). What follows is irrational analysis - even Shinpachi's (top right) involved! - Death Note style - of who gets to and how to be the first person to eat. Suddenly Kagura (top left) - her voice changed and she also went into Death Note mode!

 The cute part is Gintoki (below) could hear Katsura's thoughts and vice-versa..SO FUNNY (so slash)!!! Katsura (not shown here) so cute in one of the scenes when he answered Gintoki's thoughts :D

Even the one-foot-in-the-grave-obaasan and the-other-one-foot-in-the-mud-former-theif-now-full-time-foreign-pub-assistant got involved in the chopsticks war..

..normal Shinpachi's retort: "Dakara! Sukiyaki (steamboat) da! SUKIYAKI!!!!"

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another fic (WARNING)

click here to read Prince of Tennis: a rainy day

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on a lighter note after all that screamin

at the moment i'm working from home - data entry..frankly, i'd rather type long sentences like this instead of start-stop-start-stop

Thanks to Lay Peng i got a discount for the Loveless illustration book which i had ordered and waiting to get it. So much we raved about - Junjou Romantica ep 7 (of bears, salmon and train ride..good job), Vassalord (wondering WHY i still haven't unzip the drama ! i'm so in need to hear 'Tezuka'), hers was Carmen Riders and "Lavi".

still i owe a project which i was supposed to complete it but there's still time: all i had to do was to paste photos in Powerpoint

sigh...the worst news...i expect myself to be a victim of a 'school scam'. Right now it seems like all my dreams of learning how to be a voice actor has been dashed to the ground. Somehow i guess with this aching jaw problem it kinda stamp-chop me that i'm not made for it. But thinking about the rest who are made for it..sigh, i wish there's good news about that school.

ah, back to work

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burn out

i dun understand....we commit ourselves, we sacrificed our time, we gave it all, yet all we get was, "weekends are hard for us, weekdays..i can't make it" YOU THINK WEEKENDS ARE EASY FOR US?! YOU THINK I REALLY WANNA SACRIFICE MY TIME?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF MYSELF HAS BEEN GIVEN, HOW MUCH OUTINGS I'VE FORGONE JUST TO SEE ALL OF YOU THROUGH?!

I'D RATHER SIT AT HOME, LEARN MY JAPANESE AND INDULGE MYSELF IN ANIME AND LEARN ANIME SONGS AND HANG OUT TALKING NOTHING BUT ANIME - THE WAY I'VE ALWAYS WANTED IT TO BE SINCE I REALISED I'M SUFFERING FROM A BURN OUT!

All the practices we did by ourselves, our dedication - IS WHAT WE DO IS INSIGNIFICANT?! Shall i shoot my anger at you in the face like Lockon?!

and what's the meaning of segregating me, me standing with them but not singing. What, am i a display item?! Fine. Go find people who are like them. Thank goodness this nightmare is through. i might as well..quit.

i just...want..time..away..from...all...obligations...

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overnight

what if i take you out, sit you down, lean myself on you. Do you not understand?

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another fic! WARNING: BL (shounen-ai)

another mech story: Chap 2

click here to read

hmm...i wonder how it got that far..

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another fic up

a vampire story: Chap 3
click to view

i know i know...i drag this story too long...wun beat around the bush at Chap 4

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woah..

this week is sardine-packed! Practices, practices, practices..all the weight falls on me - i just wish there's weight-distribution!!! Just thinking about it heads me for a nervous breakdown

and i'm still not ready for CS yet - it's true. i can't read Japanese properly yet. And i'll die if there's no furigana. i haven't got the time to learn any anime songs - i'm so looking forward to next week to do that

i can't breathe this week except hanging out with Marah on Monday and Lay Peng today

but no matter what this Decemeber is the best - it's THE December as how i've been wishing it to be for the 31 years of my life..i wonder why it took so long..but never too late

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a new fanfic!

My first crossover attempt: Gintama, Get Backers! risk the upload before being Gin-proved cos..i think i can la..

Gin-expert? How? Can?

click here to read "Gintoki's point of view"

Comments if any! :)

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fics

another mech story: chap 1

fanfic Prince of Tennis: That Day (ADULT THEME: MATURED READERS ONLY)

by a student from Ginpachi sensei's 3-Z class (ADULT THEME: MATURED READERS ONLY)
A warm summer day at the Yorozuya

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aaah...

finally...standard keyboard..and scroll mouse!!!

standard keyboard loud so i try to minimise the 'banging' on my keys...if i can..which i can't...so used to it...but i'm enjoying it!!! i guess it's because it's not flat so i can type faster. The keys are much smaller than my previous non-standard laptop-like keys

i just remembered...my fanfic...oops...have to finish!

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lotsa

new template for a new year..

it's been long since i hung out with Marah...or was it 2 weeks ago?! XD blur day: both of us didn't get our caffeine fix thus ended up half a day in IKEA Alexandra AND Tampines: changing types of big and small shelves, wat else to get, wat to discard, which queue to take, how to remain calm while "when are we getting out here!!" XD

And get this: the stocks in Alexandra and Tampines are not linked if you physically go down to each branch to enquire about the other branch but are linked if you call the hotline and you cannot order Alexandra stocks from Tampines and vice-versa, neither can you ask them to transport an order from Tampines to Alexandra and vice-versa to help them to save them manpower and the remaining part of the journey.

And it's so ridiculous as to save costs for the wrong things which frustrates the customers...common sense and customer service is really bad here (not to mention the last time being asked by a foreigner who - get this - works as a retail assistant in a gift shop, "Can you speak Mandarin?" WTF?!!!! What happened to learning English as a pre-requisite for blue-collared workers before they start work here?!!!)

i got myself a little gadget for a volunteer project: 4GB thumbdrive for a nice price! but i din know Marah is a member and he thought i was a member XD finally got my drooly blankies too..the last piece of it was so old that some bits of cotton flew onto the floor - indoor permanent snow that makes one slip if stepped on unknowingly

it was retro at KFC Kallang. The paintings on the roof have faded terribly, the interior was like it was 20 years ago: dull dark grey, dull pink, dull green, dull..yougethepicture. And guess what type of music was played there that night: RETRO!!!!

one of our conversation went something like this:
[song: Eternal Flame was playing while we were eating]
"Who sang this?"
"(The) Bangles! [Looks around] Now everyone knows how old we are..(laughs)"
"[Another question in regards to The Bangles]"
"...remember '(the song) Walk Like An Egyptian'?!! [Looks around again] Now everyone REALLY knows HOW OLD we are..(still laughing)"
*TUD*

next stop: caffeine fix!!! For the first time i get to hear an drive-thru' order but the weirdest thing was why do we have to wait 5 freakin' minutes for a large cuppa cappucino while we dun have to wait for a medium one?! ...! Isn't it the same cappucino..?!! Note: This happened in a reputated fastfood restaurant. WAKE UP PEOPLE - BORTHER THE NITTY GRITTY DETAILS!!!

throughout the day til night, in the car we had fun spreading our noise with the windows slightly down, dancing while strapped to our seats, and predicting the next line of the songs because the people had run out of lyrics to write

i got to stop by Marah's place and saw the huge clutter. Really scattered - mixed emotions. i hope he's alrite with the designing and re-packing. i would love to help but my skin didn't agree with me

i got to bluetooth my Nokia to his sound system!! wow..!! and i got more than i wished for: a scroll mouse and a standard Microsoft keyboard which i'm so dying to change soon - my mouse is not scrolled - much to my inconvenience - and the keys on my pc non-standard keyboard are stuck for no reason whatsoever!

and we looked at photos: past and present. Seriously, it is a smooth transition of his looks from young til now. Lotsa memories for me as i remember the 60's 70's fashion XD And i remembered some photos taken which we were in our haydays (we still are!!!)..it's stored in one of his harddisks..

not to mention sharing one medium-sized caffeine-filled cappucino...yeeeeah..

thanks for everything "yeah"? :3

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My 2008 Christmas wish list

(please read on from here as it's the same link as "My 2008 Christmas wish list")

a job
i have a jaw, back and knee problem which restricts me to desk-bound no-telephone duties - hard to find as i am unskilled and i have no money to study nor the means to pay back any loan should i take - which i cannot

a new shower head
mine can only spurt a small amount of water, cheap one can liao(got it liao)

a 3gp flv avi video editor and converter
forget about downloading trial versions and freeware - bad experiences

HG 1/144 Gundam Exia Clear Colour Version

is it only exclusive in Anime Festival Asia 2008 (AFA08)?!! since then i've been kicking myself for not buying there and then

Haro (Mobile Suit Gundam 00)

sound-and-motion sensitive, Haro tells the time and says something when u sneeze, roll on the floor, etc...so cuuuute!!! Again, kick myself cos i dun have the cash for it cos i'm jobless

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Warning: BL reference

a research report on Human Resource Management

"Contrary to what most believe, human resource, in its very essence, also extends - or rather - DEEPENS to human anatomy, in order to fulfil its true purpose in order to achieve and maintain a dominant role in times of position difficulties."

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I have a secret: within

Peace.

Many have been searching for but can't find it cos they've been searching in the wrong places. They've been searching for things on the outside.

but not within themselves.

Why?

Most of the reasons are:
- it's not necessary
- i'd already known who i am
- i'd already know it's darkness
- waste of time
- no time

of course we know it's darkness.

and we are inclined to occupy ourselves with too many thoughts, that makes us feel secure or we have something to busy ourselves with and that makes us important - this is a false sense of self-esteem.

Let's reach deeper our own darkness, deeper than "i'd already know who i am" - to pull out the peace that has been hiding within us for so long.

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nandemo..

Goodbye Gundam Exia (transparent) n Haro..i can't buy you anymore..

There's Loveless, i'm Jobless and Cashless, yoroshiku ne.

wasn't online only until today because my new specs needs a new frame and lens re-adjustment. But i also paid the remaining $100 plus of my savings for a cause: my aunt. It's been so long since she's out with my mom n me. I decided to buy a pair of contact lenses although it's without astigmatism, a pair of sunglasses to reduce the headache when i'm in the sun since my lens are without astigmatism, eyedrops, lens solution - left with only $4 in the bank and i did this willingly for one person although it was just for one day.

Due to the splitting headache i got from the contact lens and the sun-filled day i was hit with one of the worst migraines of my life the next day. the whole day i was in bed, except for eating n trying to catch Prince of Tennis on tv with my old specs kinda aggrevated the problem.

First i wasn't invited for a Halloween party, next i wasn't told of a nite-out - i wonder how long do i need to be kept out. Unfortunately it's my turn to say "sorry i can't go" bcos i've no cash.

but here's a comfort: Loveless illustration book will be MINE - cos i ordered for it! It's a matter of saving money which i'm glad i've re-cultivated the habit. Thank goodness for allowances i can get it FRIDAY..yeeeah. Dis weekend n the next Sat i'm not free!

Weekdays i'm not free too cos there are practices and meetings..waitaminute..WHERE'S MY CLASS?! no matter how much i contemplate of dropping the class i still get the feeling of not to drop it. Okay then, let's see how it goes but seriously there are always bad-huge-watch-n-wait-events in my life towards end of the year - enuff le la!

i'm thinking of a situation where silence is good. i almost become one of the "what nonsense" majority and i'm glad that i'm one of the minority who had experienced and still is experiencing a similar situation and how would i prefer to be in the situation really opened my eyes.

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